Children of narcissistic mothers often fall victim to one of two fates. 

They are either doomed to a lifetime of unhealthy relationships, allowing themselves to be bullied and controlled by partners as their mother once did, or fated to become narcissists themselves. This post about the characteristics of sons of narcissistic mothers can offer some more insight into the damage a narcissistic mother can inflict.

You are in the uncomfortable position of playing not only the role of parent but also the role of vigilant guardian.

Protecting a child from their own mother is not an easy task, but it’s vital since not doing so can lead to narcissistic victim syndrome. But there are things you can do that can support the child, deflect the mother, and create as harmonious an atmosphere as you are able.

It’s crucial to step in as soon as you recognize the mother’s behavior as narcissistic, while still acknowledging that a child needs their mother—if, in this case, only in supervised ways.

Continue reading for some explicit advice on how to shield your child from the worst part of their mother’s disorder.

Stopping Narcissistic Abuse

The ways in which a narcissistic mother can scar their children is akin to abuse. As the co-parent, it unfortunately becomes your responsibility to protect your child from her narcissistic tendencies. This will not only protect your child from the immediate effects of their mother’s behavior but it will also prevent the lasting damage that narcissism wreaks. 

By stepping in now, you are ensuring that your child will live an emotionally stable and psychologically healthy life. 

1. Release Your Regrets

One of the most important actions you must take initially is to let go of any sense of blame. It is not your fault that the child’s mother is a narcissist, and there is little, if anything, you can do about it—other than to step up and protect your child.

Remember that you are the child’s sole stable parent, and if you are not taking good care of your physical and emotional health, then you cannot be in a position to take care of your child. Your energy should not be wasted on the past, which you cannot change, but instead focused on the bright future you can provide for your child.

2. Help them to Release Their Regrets

The next step is to ensure that the child or children are also not expending energy in blaming themselves. This is common among children of abusive parents, that they inevitably blame themselves, at least in part, for the abusive parent’s behavior. It is your responsibility to help them understand that mom’s disorder is not in any way their fault.

The narcissistic mother will often cast blame on others, including her children, for her negative actions. Letting your child know that her impulses are unfair and untrue will release them from a very heavy burden that should not be theirs to carry. It will also establish trust between you and the child.

3. Validate Their Emotions

It is also important to make sure that your child feels loved and sheltered, and one significant way in which to do that is to let them know their feelings are valid. The narcissist uses a whole arsenal of emotional weapons, from shaming to projection to denial, aimed directly at their children. It is a natural response to feel hurt, violated, and angry.

Letting your kids know that their feelings are legitimate and understandable will ensure that they trust you and can confide in you. It is crucial that your child knows that they are heard. If they grow up feeling as if their opinions and emotions don’t matter, then their ability to form healthy relationships in adulthood is compromised.

4. Convey Honesty

While it is tempting to gloss over the worst aspects of the narcissistic mother’s behavior, it is vital that you don’t avoid the truth. If you try to provide excuses for mom’s inappropriate actions, then you risk losing the trust of your child. Children aren’t ignorant of adult behavior, and they nearly always know when you are being less than honest with them.

Of course, the level of honesty you express to your child is dependent on their age and emotional maturity. Employing the word “narcissist” before they are able to grasp what it means may only confuse them. Use your best judgment as you navigate these tricky waters.

5. Resist Criticizing Mom

Another temptation you should avoid is the desire to demonize the narcissistic mother. Your frustrations with your spouse or partner or ex should not spill over into your conversations with your child. As much as it might seem satisfying to spew some invective over her manipulative and demeaning ways, it only adds another layer of hurt to the child’s life.

Understanding that your child will always have a connection to their mother—regardless of her hurtful actions—should help you resist this impulse. It only increases the chances that they will suffer psychological harm if you insist on putting them in the middle.

6. Rustle Up Some Resilience

One of the most important things you can do for your child is to teach them resilience. If they develop healthy coping skills as the child of a narcissistic mother, then they will carry those coping skills into adulthood. Resilience will help them in every arena of life.

To model resilience, you need to show them unconditional love, convey compassionate responses to their feelings, and encourage their efforts with honesty, not exaggerated praise. You can also teach them to trust their own instincts and suffuse them with self-confidence.

7. Channel Their Anger

Finally, remember that the frustration and unpredictability that the child will experience at the whims of the narcissistic mother will almost inevitably boil over into anger at certain points. First of all, understand that this anger—even if seemingly directed at you—is not really about you. Don’t take it personally; your child only trusts you with their complicated feelings.

Try to seek out healthy ways in which to channel that anger, from extracurricular activities that will improve their self-confidence to community service that will increase their empathy and compassion.

Model strength and stability for your child, as much as possible, though you shouldn’t feel compelled to endure abuse from them either. Maintain a balance to keep everyone involved emotionally healthy.

Final Thoughts

The narcissistic mother’s actions can be described as abusive, and they will take a toll on your child. It is up to you to prevent those interactions from becoming overly toxic and to protect your child from the emotional fallout. You must engender their trust, validate their emotions, and model coping skills like resilience.

It is not your fault, nor is it theirs, that their mother is a narcissist. But maintaining a sense of calm strength and stable honesty will ensure that they escape the worst of the possible wounds.

Check out this blog post that can help you understand more about how much the narcissistic mother understands about the fact they are hurting their children. That can help you to devise the right strategy for dealing with the problem.