It’s very common to become confused about narcissism. If you’re a narcissist, you don’t want to admit any flaws, and if you’re not but in a relationship with someone who is, it’s easy to become convinced the problem is with you. 

Knowing that you’re not the narcissist begins with understanding what narcissism is. Then you can ask yourself some difficult questions to determine if you’re a narcissist. If you’re not, you need to know how to take care of yourself, particularly if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist.

To help make it clearer, let’s take a look at what narcissism is, how to recognize it in yourself, and what to do if you’re not the narcissist in your relationship.  

What is Narcissism?

Pathological narcissism is a personality disorder, as the video below explains, characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, an inflated sense of self-importance, and a lack of empathy for others. It is a mental health disorder that can be incredibly toxic for those who are in a relationship with or who know someone with narcissistic traits.

When we think of narcissism, we often picture someone who is incredibly arrogant and is constantly seeking special treatment or favorable treatment from others. While this is one type of narcissism, there are actually different types of narcissism that manifest in different ways.

One type of narcissism is grandiose narcissism. This is the type of narcissism that is characterized by an unrealistic sense of superiority and an inflated feeling of self-importance. People with grandiose narcissism often exhibit arrogant behaviors and have a tendency to put others down.

Another type of narcissism is vulnerable narcissism. This is the type of narcissism that is characterized by a pervasive sense of inadequacy and a constant need for validation from others. People with vulnerable narcissism may appear to be shy or introverted, but they are actually incredibly self-centered and often engage in toxic behaviors when they feel threatened.

Regardless of the type of narcissism, however, there are certain tell-tale signs and indicators that can help you identify whether or not you or someone you know is a narcissist. These signs include an inability to handle constructive criticism, a tendency to engage in narcissistic listening (where the listener only hears what they want to hear), and a pattern of grandiosity and a sense of entitlement.

What is the Difference Between Narcissism and Healthy Self-Love?

It can be difficult to distinguish between healthy self-love and narcissism, as both involve a focus on oneself. However, there are some key differences in personality traits to keep in mind.

1. Acceptance of Weaknesses

First and foremost, healthy self-love involves an acceptance of both strengths and weaknesses. It means recognizing and valuing the unique qualities that make you who you are while also acknowledging areas for growth and improvement. Narcissism, on the other hand, is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and an inability to see any flaws or shortcomings. Narcissistic people simply can’t accept that they have any flaws since that would jeopardize their fragile self-esteem.

2. Relationship Connections

Another important distinction is in the way each approach relationships. Healthy self-love allows for the development of strong, meaningful connections with others. It involves recognizing the value and worth of those around you and treating them with kindness and respect. Narcissism, on the other hand, is marked by a lack of empathy and a tendency to view others as simply a means to an end.

3. Personality Sustainability

One way to think about it is that healthy self-love is sustainable, while narcissism is not. Narcissists may appear confident and self-assured on the surface, but it often masks a deep-rooted sense of insecurity and fear of being exposed as a fraud. This can lead to a constant need for external validation, which ultimately becomes exhausting and unfulfilling.

In contrast, healthy self-love is internally-driven and sustainable. It provides a sense of security and fulfillment that doesn’t rely on others’ opinions or approval. It also allows for genuine engagement with the world around you, as you are not solely focused on yourself and your own needs.

Ultimately, the difference between healthy self-love and narcissism comes down to a matter of perspective. While both involve a focus on oneself, healthy self-love is about acceptance and growth, while narcissism is about maintaining a false sense of superiority. By recognizing these distinctions, we can strive to cultivate a healthier, more sustainable approach to self-love and relationships.

What are the Signs of Narcissism?

Recognizing the signs of mental health conditions like narcissism can be challenging, as it often involves a set of subtle yet persistent behaviors. However, understanding the signs can be crucial in identifying and dealing with toxic relationships.

Signs of Narcissism

Exaggerated Sense of Self-Importance One of the most significant narcissistic indicators is an inflated sense of self-importance. Narcissists frequently overestimate their abilities and accomplishments while underestimating those of others. They often act entitled, with an unrealistic expectation of special treatment, and often demand favorable treatment.

No Empathy Another sign of narcissism is a lack of empathy. Narcissists may struggle to understand or relate to the emotions and experiences of others, often disregarding their feelings. They may also show little interest in the perspectives of others, viewing them only as a means to an end.

Inflated Self-Esteem An inflated self-esteem is another common sign of narcissism. Narcissists can have a grandiose sense of self, seeing themselves as superior to others. They may boast about their achievements excessively and be quick to put others down.

Narcissistic Rage Narcissists can also be prone to anger and resentment when they feel criticized or challenged. The slightest criticism can set them off, often leading to verbal or even physical narcissistic abuse. They may also use the silent treatment to punish their partners or romantic interests.

Can’t Accept Constructive Criticism Narcissists may struggle with accepting constructive criticism and feedback. They may be overly defensive, becoming angry or dismissive of any feedback that challenges their worldview.

Distorted Reality Narcissists often have a distorted sense of reality. They may rewrite history, exaggerate events or misinterpret situations to fit their false narrative. They may also project their own faults and shortcomings onto others, blaming them for issues or problems that actually stem from their own behavior.

A Need for Special Favors Individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) often believe that they are special and unique, and they expect others to treat them accordingly. They have an inflated sense of self-importance and feel entitled to special treatment and favorable treatment, even if they haven’t earned it. They often believe that they deserve to be treated differently than others, which can cause problems in their personal and professional relationships.

The next video explains more about the characteristics of narcissists. While these are the typical signs of narcissism, they can be difficult to recognize in yourself. There’s more you need to know because there are different types of narcissism. 

What are the different types of narcissism?

While researchers only traditionally recognize two broad types of narcissism, as explained by psychologists in Poland, there is a growing recognition that it can manifest in different ways, depending on the person’s characteristics, motivations, and behaviors.

Let’s look at five types of narcissism that are becoming more accepted: overt, covert, antagonistic, communal, and malignant.

Overt Narcissism

Overt narcissism, also known as grandiose narcissism, is the most obvious and classic form of narcissism. Overt narcissists are confident, assertive, and dominant. They have a grandiose sense of self and believe they are superior, special, and entitled to the best. 

They seek attention and admiration from others and often boast about their achievements, talents, and appearance. They have little empathy or concern for other’s feelings and needs and may exploit or manipulate them to get what they want. 

Overt narcissists are often successful in their careers and social circles, but they may also face criticism, conflict, and resentment from others who perceive them as arrogant, selfish, and demanding.

Covert Narcissism

Covert narcissism is also known as vulnerable or closet narcissism. Covert narcissists are more subtle and hidden than overt narcissists. They have a low self-esteem and feel insecure, inadequate, and ashamed of themselves. 

They crave admiration and validation from others but fear rejection and criticism. They may appear shy, humble, or self-deprecating, but they also harbor feelings of resentment, envy, and entitlement. 

They may avoid social situations or intimacy because they feel unworthy or inferior. They may also engage in passive-aggressive behaviors such as sulking, complaining, or playing the victim to elicit sympathy or attention from others.

Antagonistic Narcissism

Antagonistic narcissism is a type of overt narcissism that is characterized by hostility, aggression, and antagonism. Antagonistic narcissists are defiant, rebellious, and provocative. They enjoy challenging authority figures and breaking rules. 

They have a sense of superiority and contempt for others who they perceive as weak, inferior, or foolish. They have no empathy or remorse for hurting others and may use intimidation, threats, or violence to get their way. Antagonistic narcissists are often involved in antisocial or criminal activities and may have difficulties with the law.

Communal Narcissism

Communal narcissism is a type of overt narcissism that is characterized by a high involvement in communal or prosocial activities. Communal narcissists are altruistic, generous, and caring. They devote themselves to causes that benefit others, such as charity work, volunteering, or activism. 

They seek admiration and praise for their good deeds and moral values. They believe they are superior to others because of their contributions to society and their selflessness. However, they may also have ulterior motives for their actions, such as gaining status, power, or influence. They may also be selective in who they help and expect something in return.

Malignant Narcissism

Malignant narcissism is the most extreme and dangerous type of narcissism. Malignant narcissists are a combination of overt, covert, antagonistic, and communal narcissism. They have a grandiose sense of self that is coupled with a deep insecurity and vulnerability. 

They have a paranoid worldview that makes them distrustful and suspicious of others. They have a sadistic streak that makes them enjoy causing pain and suffering to others. They have no empathy or conscience and feel no guilt or remorse for their actions. 

Malignant narcissists are often sociopathic or psychopathic and may exhibit symptoms of other mental disorders, such as antisocial personality disorder or borderline personality disorder.

If you are, in fact, a narcissist, you might not be willing to admit that you have any negative narcissistic indicators as outlined in these different types. So how can you recognize pathological narcissism in yourself? 

How Can You Recognize Pathological Narcissism in Yourself?

Narcissism can affect how you relate to yourself and others and can cause problems in various areas of your life, such as work, relationships, and mental health. Recognizing narcissism in yourself can be challenging, as you may have a distorted view of your own behavior and motives. 

However, there are some signs and symptoms that can help you identify if you have narcissistic tendencies. Here are some questions to ask yourself to assess your level of narcissism:

• Do you often exaggerate your achievements or talents or lie about them to impress others?
• Do you feel entitled to special treatment or privileges and get angry or resentful when you don’t get them?
• Do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself and others and criticize or blame them when they don’t meet your standards?
• Do you have difficulty accepting feedback or criticism and react defensively or aggressively when challenged?
• Do you have a sense of superiority or arrogance and look down on people who are different from you or who disagree with you?
• Do you have trouble empathizing with other people’s feelings or perspectives and tend to dismiss or invalidate them?
• Do you have a need for constant attention and admiration and seek out compliments or validation from others?
• Do you have difficulty forming or maintaining close relationships and tend to exploit or manipulate others for your own benefit?
• Do you have a lack of self-awareness or insight into your own behavior and emotions and tend to rationalize or justify them?
• Do you have a fear of vulnerability or intimacy and avoid showing your true self to others?

If you answered yes to most or all of these questions, you may have narcissistic traits that are affecting your well-being and functioning. 

What Can You Do If You Are a Narcissist?

Even if you are a true narcissist, it’s important to remember that narcissism is not a fixed or permanent condition, and it can be changed with the help of therapy, self-reflection, and personal growth. 

Being a narcissist does not mean that you are doomed to be unhappy or isolated. There are some things that you can do to improve your situation and your well-being. Here are some possible steps that you can take if you are a narcissist:

1. Seek Professional Help

A therapist can help you understand the causes and effects of your narcissism and provide you with strategies to cope with your emotions and behaviors. A therapist can also help you address any underlying issues that may contribute to your narcissism, such as low self-esteem, trauma, or insecurity.

This video shows you several online narcissism forums and resources that can help you find the therapy you need.

2. Be Open to Feedback

One of the challenges of being a narcissist is that you may have a hard time accepting criticism or acknowledging your mistakes. However, feedback can be a valuable source of learning and growth if you are willing to listen and consider it. Try to be more receptive to the opinions and perspectives of others, and avoid being defensive or dismissive. You may find that feedback can help you improve your skills, performance, or relationships.

3. Practice Empathy

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and understand their feelings and needs. Empathy can help you build trust and rapport with others and reduce conflict and misunderstanding. To practice empathy, try to pay more attention to the verbal and nonverbal cues of others, such as their tone of voice, facial expressions, or body language.

Try to imagine how they might feel in a given situation and what they might want or need from you. You can also ask them questions to clarify their thoughts and feelings and show them that you care.

4. Develop Realistic Expectations

Another challenge of being a narcissist is that you may have unrealistic expectations of yourself and others. You may expect too much from yourself, such as perfection or success, and feel disappointed or frustrated when you fall short. You may also expect too much from others, such as admiration or loyalty, and feel angry or betrayed when they don’t meet your standards. 

To develop realistic expectations, try to be more flexible and adaptable to changing circumstances. Recognize that no one is perfect, including yourself, and that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Appreciate what you and others have to offer rather than focusing on what is lacking.

5. Appreciate the Value of Others

Being a narcissist can make you feel isolated and lonely, as you may alienate others with your self-centeredness and arrogance. However, you don’t have to be alone. You can benefit from having meaningful and supportive relationships with others who can enrich your life in various ways. 

To appreciate the value of others, try to be more grateful and respectful towards them. Express your appreciation for their contributions, efforts, or qualities. Acknowledge their achievements, compliments, or kindnesses. Support their goals, interests, or passions. Share your thoughts, feelings, or experiences with them. Be more generous and helpful towards them.

Narcissistic personality disorder can be challenging for yourself and others, but it does not have to define you or limit you. By taking these steps, you can start to change your narcissistic tendencies and become a more balanced and healthy person.

What Should You Do if You Determine You’re Not the Narcissist?

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be challenging, exhausting, and even damaging to your mental and emotional health. If you determine that you are in a relationship with a narcissist, here are some steps you can take to protect yourself and decide what to do next.

• Educate yourself about narcissism. 

Learning more about the signs, causes, and effects of narcissism can help you understand why your partner behaves the way they do and how it affects you. You can read books, articles, or blogs on narcissism or consult a mental health professional who specializes in this area.

• Set boundaries and stick to them. 

Narcissists often try to manipulate, control, or exploit their partners by violating their boundaries and making unreasonable demands. You have the right to say no, to express your needs and feelings, and to expect respect and reciprocity from your partner. 

Decide what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not, and communicate your boundaries clearly and firmly. Do not let your partner guilt-trip, gaslight, or intimidate you into changing your mind or giving in.

• Seek support from others. 

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can make you feel isolated, lonely, or ashamed. You may also experience anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, or self-doubt as a result of your partner’s constant criticism, blame, or neglect. 

It is important to have people who can support you emotionally and practically, such as friends, family members, or trusted professionals. Reach out to them regularly and share your feelings and experiences. They can offer you validation, comfort, advice, or help if you need it.

• Take care of yourself. 

Narcissists often drain their partners of their energy, time, and resources, leaving them feeling depleted and stressed. You need to prioritize your own well-being and happiness by engaging in activities that nourish your body, mind, and soul. 

This may include eating well, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, meditating, pursuing your hobbies or interests, or spending time with positive people. Taking care of yourself can help you cope better with the challenges of being in a relationship with a narcissist and boost your self-confidence and self-love.

• Evaluate your relationship and make a decision. 

After taking these steps, you may have a clearer picture of what your relationship with a narcissist is like and how it affects you. You may also have a better idea of what you want and deserve from a relationship. 

You need to ask yourself some honest questions: 

• Are you happy in this relationship? 
• Is your partner willing to change or seek help? 
• Can you trust them? 
• Do they respect you? 
• Do they love you? 
• Do you love them? 

Depending on your answers, you may decide to stay in the relationship and work on it together with your partner (if they are cooperative) or to leave the relationship and move on with your life (if they are not). Whatever decision you make, make sure it is based on your own needs and values, not on fear or guilt.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be difficult and painful, but it does not have to define you or your future. You have the power to choose what is best for you and to create a healthy and fulfilling relationship with yourself and others.

Final Thoughts

It can be difficult to know if you’re a narcissist or not, particularly if you’re in a relationship with someone who is, since they will try to convince you that the problem is with you. Understanding what narcissism is and how to spot it in yourself can help you determine if you’re a narcissist or not. 

If you discover you are not the narcissist, it’s vital to take the steps outlined here to prevent narcissistic abuse. You deserve to have a happy, fulfilling life, and they can help you achieve that.