You might not think that someone who is so self-absorbed as a narcissist would be a good lover. Narcissists are notorious for being very selfish and seeing other people as mere extensions of themselves. This is because they never developed a healthy sense of self and don’t have the ability to prop up their own self-esteem. They need other people to do that for them. That makes them very manipulative as they seek to control the people around them. With all that, you would think they would be selfish lovers, but is that true?
Narcissists, like everyone, are human which means that some of them are bad lovers, some are average, and others are truly gifted. Those who are truly gifted can be very generous and work hard to please their partner so they won’t face criticism, but they also use their talent to get you hooked.
Let’s take a look at the reasons why some narcissists are excellent lovers. It’s not because they care about pleasing their partners so much as it is because they want to use it to manipulate and control them. That’s why it’s important to understand their motivation.
What Makes Some Narcissists Great Lovers?
There are several reasons why some narcissists are good lovers. First, they often display unexpected generosity. That’s because the narcissists who pride themselves on being veritable ‘Don Juans’ work hard to give their partners multiple orgasms so they will tell everyone that the narcissist has given them the best experience of their life.
That’s part of what the narcissist expects in return – their narcissistic supply of adulation and admiration for their skillful lovemaking. In fact, they may prompt their lover to talk about it in sometimes awkward detail.
Another characteristic that can make them good lovers is that they know exactly and specifically what they want in bed. They often have a narrative in their head that they want to play out in a certain way. That can make for an exciting and fulfilling experience, but on the downside, it might result in some strained encounters or get boring after a while.
Finally, the narcissists who are great lovers have often had lots of practice at it. It’s a source of narcissistic supply for them so when they need a fix, they simply find someone and blow their mind in bed. They get the praise and adoration they seek and their partner gets a great sexual experience. The problem is that it’s really only about them, and of course, someone who has had numerous sexual experiences may be at higher risk for sexually transmitted diseases.
What Makes Some Narcissists Bad Lovers?
First, as mentioned above, it’s all about them. They’re not really concerned with your needs or desires; they just want to get you hooked on their lovemaking abilities so you’ll praise them or do what they want you to do. It can be a strategy to make you want to continue dating them despite how they treat you otherwise.
Most narcissists are way less experimental than they might pretend. They want to stay in control of the situation and always appear attractive. Being more creative often doesn’t go well with those goals. Though they brag about their willingness to try anything, the truth is they won’t want to be in a position that they don’t feel makes them look good or do things they think will make them look foolish.
The fact that most narcissists are only conscious of themselves can work to stifle creativity and flow in the bedroom. Moreover, don’t even think about criticizing them. What’s more, they will see even the slightest hint that you’re not blown away by their abilities as criticism.
Because narcissists don’t have a healthy self-esteem, they are hypersensitive to any kind of criticism. They will even think of a mere suggestion to try something as a scathing critique of their abilities. Any suggestion you’re any other than fully satisfied may earn you a condescending remark about how you don’t really know what you want. It could even provoke a fit of narcissistic rage.
Of course, those narcissists who only care about themselves may not care at all about pleasing you, and that can make for a very bad experience in bed. That will be a case of ‘wham-bam, thank you ma’am!’
Is There a Difference Between Male and Female Narcissists Sexually?
There is a difference between the narcissistic sexes with regard to sex. First, female narcissists are not going to strike out as often as male narcissists. That’s true for women in general since they tend to be more discriminating about whom they will sleep with. For the female sexual narcissist, this is a great boost to her ego.
Male narcissists, however, like most men are likely to still get their fill of sexual conquests given that they are probably going to be trying more often than most women, even sexually narcissistic women. Still, even a narcissistic male who convinces himself he’s a veritable Adonis will strike out more than he succeeds.
Female narcissists, however, are more accustomed to using their sexual charm to get what they want, and they will typically have no problem finding willing partners. Male narcissists have got what’s been referred to as the Dark Triad of personality traits going for them. These are narcissism, impulsive thrill-seeking, and exploitativeness.
Those men who score high on these three traits tend to exceed other men in the number of sexual encounters they have in any given time period. Perhaps the most famous fictitious example of the seductive nature of such a man is that of James Bond. He’s arrogant, extroverted, adventurous, and uses his sexuality in an exploitative way.
Both male and female narcissists do share some things in common because of their narcissism. They both feel entitled to sex, needs lots of praise for their performance, react negatively if you dare to disagree with them, and appear to only care about the physical pleasure.
Don’t be Fooled by Great Sex
While the narcissists who are good in bed can give you an amazing sexual experience, don’t confuse that with love. Remember that the traits of narcissism make it very difficult for a narcissist to express deep emotions like love. Even though they may be feeling love on the inside, that love comes with very specific conditions.
If you fail to do what they want or criticize them in any way, they can become very unpleasant. Though most narcissists prefer to use their manipulative tactics to control you, some do become physically violent. No sex is worth that. As noted psychologist, author, and narcissism expert Elinor Greenberg points out, “…some malignant Narcissists actually enjoy dominating and humiliating their sexual partners and will get off on giving you pain.”
Narcissists are just like other people in that some of them are good lovers, some are bad lovers, and some are average. Even those narcissists who are talented at sex, however, are typically only concerned with their needs and desires. Though they may work hard to give their partners an orgasm, they are only doing it for self-centered reasons.
Since your partner’s lovemaking skills don’t really tell you if they’re a narcissist, you’ll want to watch this post about the 7 signs you might be dating a narcissist. It will help you to better identify even the subtle signs of narcissism in your partner.
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