Most of the time, we tend to think of empathetic behaviors as being beneficial in an intimate relationship. That is usually true because it helps us to make deeper and longer-lasting relationships. It generates a sense of trust and compassion. But sometimes empathy can harm a relationship. 

This is particularly true if there are varying levels of empathy in each partner of a close relationship. In that case, problems like empathetic distress, compassion fatigue, and codependency can result in bad behavior. Additionally, people can use cognitive empathy to manipulate others. 

It’s important to understand both the benefits and drawbacks of empathy in your relationship. Let’s take a look at the different types of empathy, the impact it has on relationships, and 5 ways it can actually harm a relationship.

What are the Types of Empathy?

Empathetic behaviors are an essential aspect of human communication and connection, allowing individuals to understand and relate to others’ experiences, thoughts, and feelings. But the concept of empathy is not as clear-cut as you might think. 

There are different types of empathy. Researchers at Lesley University note that the study of empathy is a major area of interest for psychologists and neuroscientists. They also note a clear distinction between empathy and sympathy in that people who empathize actually experience the emotions of others rather than simply feeling moved by them. 

Most psychologists recognize three main types of empathy: cognitive empathy, emotional empathy, and compassionate empathy. There are also some subtypes of empathy, like somatic empathy, but we’ll focus on the three main types. Let’s take a look at the differences between them. 

Cognitive Empathy

Cognitive empathy is an essential part of developing healthy relationships. It is the ability to understand someone’s perspective and mental state by putting yourself in their shoes. This type of empathy involves using cognitive processes to gain insight into how a person may be feeling without necessarily experiencing their emotions yourself.

Cognitive empathy is particularly crucial in situations where you may not have experienced the same situation as the other person. By using your ability to understand their perspective, you can offer support and guidance that can help them navigate their struggles. For example, if your partner is dealing with career-related stress, you may use cognitive empathy to understand their feelings of pressure and offer logical solutions to alleviate their anxieties.

However, cognitive empathy can also be a double-edged sword. While it can be a powerful tool for developing deeper connections and fostering mutual understanding, it can also create distance and misunderstanding in relationships. If you rely too much on cognitive empathy, you may fail to connect with your partner emotionally. You may understand their point of view but remain detached and uninvolved in their lived experience.

Additionally, cognitive empathy can be used by toxic people, like narcissists or people with Borderline Personality Disorder, as part of their bad behavior. Because they understand how people feel and how to use empathetic behaviors, they can more easily manipulate others.

Furthermore, relying solely on cognitive empathy can create a power dynamic in the relationship, where one person assumes the role of “problem-solver,” and the other person becomes dependent on their cognitive support. It is essential to balance cognitive empathy with emotional empathy and compassionate empathy to create a healthy, balanced relationship.

Affective Empathy

Affective empathy is the natural emotional response that occurs within us when we see someone else experiencing an emotion. For example, when we see a loved one crying in distress, we may feel a sense of sadness and concern that mirrors their own emotions. Affective empathy is also known as emotional empathy and is different from cognitive empathy, which is when we use our reason and understanding to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes.

While affective empathy can be an important part of developing intimacy and understanding in relationships, it can also have negative consequences. Empathic distress is a common concern for people who experience high levels of affective empathy. Empathic distress is when the emotional response we have to someone else’s pain or distress becomes overwhelming or distressing to us.

This can be particularly challenging in professional settings, such as mental health professionals or caregivers, who are often exposed to others’ trauma and pain. Empathic fatigue, also known as compassion fatigue, is a form of burnout that can occur when someone is continually exposed to the distress of others’ emotional experiences.

Additionally, too much affective empathy can lead to codependent relationships, where one person takes on the emotional burdens of the other. This can cause resentment and frustration, further damaging the relationship instead of building stronger bonds.

Overall, it’s important to recognize the distinction between cognitive empathy and affective empathy and to balance the two in a relationship appropriately. Affective empathy can bring about emotions and connect us on a deeper level, but it’s important to not let it overwhelm us and to also make use of cognitive empathy to help us understand and work towards solutions. By doing so, we can foster healthy relationships while also maintaining our own emotional well-being.

Compassionate Empathy

Compassionate empathy is a type of empathy that involves more than just understanding and feeling someone else’s emotions and experiences. It goes beyond cognitive empathy, which is just understanding how someone feels, and affective empathy, which is feeling someone else’s emotions.

Compassionate empathy is about taking action to alleviate someone else’s emotional pain or suffering. It is a pro-social behavior that can be beneficial to relationships if managed properly. It can also be something that generates meaningful social change since people with compassionate empathy want to help. However, if not managed effectively, compassionate empathy can also harm a relationship.

One of the drawbacks of compassionate empathy is compassion fatigue. This is when someone becomes emotionally exhausted from constantly feeling and addressing someone else’s pain. It can lead to a lack of caring, burnout, and even resentment towards the person who they are trying to help.

Compassionate empathy can also be difficult for people who struggle with their own emotions and mental health issues. It can trigger their own emotional pain and cause distress or anxiety, leading to a cycle of unhelpful and unhealthy interactions.

To manage compassionate empathy in a relationship, it is important to set boundaries and communicate openly and honestly with the other person. It is okay to say no or take a step back when feeling overwhelmed or drained. It is also essential to prioritize self-care and make sure that personal needs are being met before trying to help others.

What is the Impact of Empathy on Relationships?

Empathy is often touted as a key component to building healthy and successful relationships. It is the ability to understand and feel another person’s emotions, thoughts, and perspectives. The human capacity for empathy helps people connect and communicate better with one another, leading to greater intimacy and trust, and even a narcissistic mother can learn empathy, as this video explains.

However, while empathy has its benefits, it can also have negative impacts on relationships if not managed properly. One key issue is empathetic distress, which is when a person experiences emotional and physical discomfort from being too attuned to another person’s emotions. This can create a cycle of negative interactions, as the person in distress may withdraw or become defensive, further harming the relationship.

Another potential problem with empathy is the empathy trap, where a person becomes so focused on another person’s emotions that they lose sight of their own needs and feelings. This can lead to an unbalanced and unhealthy relationship, with one person constantly giving and the other constantly taking.

Additionally, empathy requires a certain level of emotional intelligence and self-awareness. If a person lacks these skills, they may struggle to navigate complex emotional situations, leading to misunderstandings and miscommunications. In intimate or romantic relationships, this can be particularly damaging.

To have a positive impact on relationships, empathy must be managed properly. This includes setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and maintaining open and honest communication with others. Additionally, it’s essential to ensure that both individuals in the relationship are capable of healthy levels of empathy and that neither is relying too heavily on the other for emotional support.

Overall, empathy can have a powerful impact on relationships, but it requires careful consideration and management to ensure it remains a positive and supportive force.

Prosocial Behavior

Prosocial behavior, also known as altruistic behavior, refers to any action that benefits others or society as a whole without any expectation of personal gain. This type of behavior can take many forms, from simple acts of kindness to volunteerism and community service.

Prosocial behavior is an essential component of a healthy society. When individuals engage in acts of kindness and support for others, they contribute to the well-being of their communities, fostering social trust, cooperation, and resilience.

Research shows that people who engage in prosocial behavior tend to be happier and more satisfied with their lives. These individuals report higher levels of self-esteem and a greater sense of purpose as they experience firsthand the positive impact they can have on others.

Prosocial behavior can be learned and practiced, with individuals of all ages and backgrounds capable of engaging in these actions. In fact, studies show that practicing prosocial behavior can increase empathy, compassion, and perspective-taking in individuals, ultimately leading to broader social benefits.

Encouraging prosocial behavior in young people can also have significant long-term benefits. By fostering a sense of empathy and concern for others early in life, children and teenagers may be more likely to engage in prosocial behavior as they grow and mature, ultimately contributing to a more caring and compassionate society.

Ultimately, prosocial behavior benefits not only the individuals who engage in it but also the larger communities and society as a whole. It is an essential component of a healthy and thriving society, promoting social connection, trust, and mutual support.

Feeling of Compassion

Empathy is a vital part of any healthy relationship, as it allows individuals to understand and connect with one another on a deeper level. One important aspect of empathy is the feeling of compassion, which involves showing empathy and concern for others who are experiencing pain or suffering.

While compassion can be a positive force in relationships, it can also sometimes harm the relationship when taken to extremes. For example, individuals who are highly empathetic and compassionate may experience empathic distress, feeling overwhelmed or even traumatized by the pain of others. This can become particularly challenging in intimate or romantic relationships, where one partner may struggle to cope with the emotional intensity of the other.

Compassion fatigue is another potential downside to high levels of compassion in relationships. This occurs when individuals become so emotionally drained from providing care and support to others that they begin to feel numb and disengaged. This can ultimately lead to burnout and even resentment from the caregiver, potentially damaging the relationship.

Additionally, while it is important to show empathy in relationships, it is also essential to be aware of boundaries and limits. Individuals who constantly put the needs of others before their own can become exhausted and depleted, making it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship. It is crucial to take time for self-care and recognize when it is important to prioritize one’s own well-being, even at the expense of someone else’s.

What are 5 Ways Empathy Actually Harms a Relationship?

Empathy is generally thought of as an essential component of healthy relationships, allowing individuals to emotionally connect with and support their partners. While empathy can certainly be a positive force, there are times when it can actually harm a relationship.

Let’s explore 5 ways that empathy in relationships can unintentionally cause damage in intimate and romantic relationships, and we’ll then take a closer look at the benefits it can bring to your connections.

1. Empathetic Distress

One potential downside of empathy is empathic distress, which occurs when individuals experience an intense emotional response to the pain or suffering of others. This can be particularly challenging in relationships where one partner is struggling with a difficult issue, such as a mental health condition or a traumatic event.

The highly empathetic partner may find themselves feeling overwhelmed and traumatized by the other’s pain, to the point where it impacts their own mental health and emotional well-being. This can create an imbalance in the relationship, with one partner bearing the emotional weight of another’s struggles, potentially leading to resentment and burnout.

2. Compassion Fatigue

Another issue that can arise from excessive empathy is compassion fatigue. This occurs when individuals become emotionally depleted from constantly providing support and care to others, leading to a feeling of numbness and disengagement.

In romantic relationships, this can manifest as a lack of emotional investment or an inability to connect with one’s partner on a deep level. Over time, this can erode the intimacy and trust that are essential for a successful partnership.

3. Codependency and the Empathy Trap

While it is important to be empathetic and compassionate in relationships, it is also essential to set boundaries and recognize one’s own limits. Those who are highly empathetic may struggle with prioritizing their own needs over the needs of others, leading to exhaustion and depletion. This can ultimately harm a relationship if one partner becomes resentful or feels neglected as a result. There’s even a name for this when it occurs between a mother and daughter, as you can see in this video. 

In some cases, empathy can even become an empathy trap, where individuals become so consumed with caring for others that they neglect their own needs entirely. This is particularly common in relationships where one partner is dealing with a personality disorder or other mental health condition, where excessive empathy can make it difficult for the other partner to set boundaries and prioritize their own well-being.

Ultimately, the key to a healthy and successful relationship is balance. While empathy and compassion are essential components of intimacy and trust, they must be balanced with healthy boundaries and self-care in order to avoid the potential harm of excessive empathy. By recognizing and addressing these potential pitfalls, individuals can build relationships that are truly supportive, nurturing, and fulfilling.

4. Mental Health and Emotional Reactions in Relationships

Mental health and emotional reactions are crucial to any relationship. When one partner is struggling with mental health issues, it can create challenges for both parties. Emotional reactions can be particularly impactful, as they can greatly influence the overall tone and dynamic of a relationship.

When one partner is dealing with mental health issues, it can be difficult for the other partner to understand and respond appropriately to their emotional reactions. For example, a partner with anxiety may be prone to panic attacks or intense bouts of worry, which can be incredibly distressing for their significant other. Similarly, depression can cause a person to feel intense sadness, hopelessness, and despair, which can be difficult for their partner to witness.

5. A Sense of a Lack of Empathy

Another issue that can arise in relationships where one partner is dealing with mental health issues is a lack of empathy on the part of the other partner. If the non-affected partner fails to recognize the impact that mental health issues can have on their significant other, it can create feelings of invalidation and frustration. This can ultimately harm the relationship, leading to a breakdown in communication and emotional connection.

It is important for both partners in a relationship to prioritize their mental health and emotional well-being. This includes recognizing and responding appropriately to mental health issues, setting boundaries, and practicing empathetic behaviors. Mental health professionals, such as therapists or counselors, can provide valuable guidance and support for couples grappling with mental health issues in their relationship.

Ultimately, relationships are built on trust, communication, and emotional connection. When mental health issues are present, it is important to prioritize these foundational aspects of a relationship. By practicing empathetic behaviors, recognizing and respecting each other’s boundaries, and prioritizing mental health, couples can navigate the challenges of mental health issues together, building stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships.

How Does Empathy Benefit Intimate Relationships?

Intimate relationships are an important part of human life, providing us with a sense of closeness, support, and belonging. These relationships vary in length, depth, and type, but all require a certain level of vulnerability, trust, and emotional investment.

Healthy intimate relationships involve open and honest communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to compromise and work through difficulties. Boundaries must be respected, and both partners should feel safe and secure in the relationship.

However, intimate relationships can also bring about challenges and potential sources of conflict. Factors such as jealousy, trust issues, differing values, unmet needs, and communication breakdowns can all lead to strain on the relationship.

Empathy in relationships is an important tool in maintaining healthy intimate relationships. It involves understanding and valuing each other’s emotions and perspectives and being receptive to each other’s needs and concerns. Without empathy, partners may struggle to truly connect with each other and understand each other’s experiences.

Furthermore, it is important for both partners to prioritize their mental health and well-being in the context of the relationship. This involves practicing self-care, setting boundaries, and being aware of signs of emotional and mental distress in both oneself and one’s partner.

Intimate relationships can also serve as a way for individuals to learn and grow in their emotional intelligence and social skills as they navigate the complexities of their partner’s thoughts and feelings.

Ultimately, while intimate relationships require effort and vulnerability, they can also bring immense joy and fulfillment into one’s life. By prioritizing empathy, communication, and mutual respect, individuals can foster strong and healthy connections with their partners.

Final Thoughts

Empathy is usually a good thing that helps you feel closer to a relationship partner. But there are some ways in which empathy can actually harm your relationship. It’s important to establish good boundaries, regularly practice healthy self-care activities, and take the time to process your emotions to prevent that from happening. 

If you do that, empathy can enrich your relationship without causing harmful side effects. It can help you feel closer to the people you love as well as more connected to your own feelings.