A narcissistic mother has a sharp tongue, and she will not hesitate to use it when you stand up for yourself. You might think that a mother shouldn’t want to hurt her child, but when your mother is a narcissist, all the rules go out the window. She’s not really capable of that loving, nurturing, stereotypical mother behavior.
You might not believe it, but she will cut you to the bone — metaphorically speaking — should you dare to speak up against her. You’ll have to endure many of the things she might say in the following circumstances.
Knowing how she might respond can help you prepare yourself emotionally. It can also help you understand the triggers behind her ugly comments. Read on to learn about the circumstances that can trigger her and what she’ll say to get back at you.
What Triggers Her?
Here are some common situations where a narcissistic mother can be triggered into saying some of the very hurtful things listed.
1. Common Microaggressions
Microaggressions are basically back-handed compliments. You can learn more about them and how to respond in this blog post from the American Psychological Association. Some common microaggressions you might hear from your narcissistic mother include the following:
- You’re so smart. I don’t understand why you don’t have any common sense.
- You would be beautiful if you could just lose some weight.
- That dress would be perfect for your sister. I just don’t think it’s your style.
- You’ve got such a clean house. I guess it keeps you too busy to teach your child to read.
- I’m so proud of you for what you’ve done. I guess I did a good job teaching you how to follow through.
Responding to these not-so-subtle attacks from a narcissistic mother probably won’t do you much good. It’s better to seek out someone who is on your side to work through the emotions you’ll undoubtedly experience as a result of these kinds of statements.
2. When You Question Her Authority
Narcissistic mothers are not fond of having you stand up for yourself and question their authority. They see it as both insulting and threatening. From their point of view, you’re attempting to take over control of the narrative they’ve created for themselves as the loving, sacrificing mother who knows what’s best for her children.
When you do question her, you might hear some of the following statements:
- How DARE you! Who are you to question my authority?
- Get that look off your face or I will slap it off!
- Who do you think you are?
- You have no right to look at me like that.
Most of these statements are an attempt to deflect the situation. If this is your opportunity to break free from a narcissistic mother, the best response may be to simply walk away.
3. Things She Will Say When Taking You on a Guilt Trip
Narcissistic mothers frequently use guilt to get you to do what they want. If you dare to question them in any way, they will be more than happy to tell you just how much you’ve cost them.
They have created an image of themselves as the self-sacrificing parent, and while that couldn’t be further from the truth, a narcissist will not hesitate to tell you just how much she’s given up for you. Here are some common things she will say:
- I would die without you in my life.
- You’re so selfish. It’s always all about you.
- You owe me for giving life to you.
- You’re an ingrate.
- Why do you go out of your way to break my heart?
- Your father and I divorced because of your behavior.
- I’ve given up everything in my life for you.
- No one will really love you like I do.
These statements are obvious attempts to generate guilty feelings to the casual observer, but they are very hurtful when they come from your own mother. It’s important to remember that your narcissistic mother isn’t able to give you love. These statements come from her own fear, and they are not reflective of any real truth about you.
4. Things She Will Say to Tear You Down
When you argue with a narcissistic mother, she will go for the jugular vein to win. Your defiance is a serious threat to her self-image, and so, she will go to extremes to defend herself. Toward that end, you’ll likely hear several of the following statements:
- You’re exactly like (insert the name of some terrible person in your life)!
- You should be ashamed of yourself. I’m embarrassed for you!
- You’ll never get anyone to love you. Who would want you?
- You’re such a baby. Why don’t you grow up?
- You haven’t earned happiness!
- You’ll never be anything more than you are right now.
- It was a mistake to have you. You’ve ruined my life!
- You’re a worthless individual. What a waste of space.
- People would like you more if you weren’t so (rude/mean/snotty or insert your mother’s favorite insult here).
While extremely toxic, these statements say more about your narcissistic mother than anything they say about you. This is why cutting off contact with her is your only real recourse.
5. What She’ll Say When You Confront Her about Anything
Confrontation is not something a narcissist can handle. It triggers all of their fears about their own control over their image. That’s why, when they are confronted with any kind of push back, even from you, they will respond with some very ugly words. Here are a few examples:
- You’re too sensitive. You always make so much out of nothing. What is wrong with you?
- I never did (or said) that. There’s something wrong with your memory, because that’s not what happened.
- I don’t care what you think. You don’t know what you’re talking about.
It’s almost impossible to have a deep conversation with a narcissist and it’s even worse when your mother is a malignant narcissist. Read about 6 signs your mother is a malignant narcissist to learn more about this type of narcissism. Basically, however, any kind of narcissist is only interested in their own opinion, not yours.
That’s particularly true when you are pushing back against something they said or did, or when you’ve made the decision to end all contact. Because of your damaged self-esteem, it might be difficult to resist shrinking back from confrontation. It’s important to remember — no matter what the situation — that you have a right to your own opinions. Your emotions are valid.
By taking care of yourself, processing with supportive friends (or a therapist), and distancing yourself from this kind of negative treatment, you’ll find your self-esteem and self-confidence will grow over time. Healing is possible, and you deserve better.
After learning about the mean things your narcissistic mother might say to hurt you, you might be interested in a free copy of “5 Must-Know Techniques to Effectively Reject a Narcissist.” You will learn how to say no even to your narcissistic mother. Just click on the link below this post and I’ll send it directly to your inbox for free!
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