Most experts agree that cutting off all contact with a narcissist is the only way to defeat them. To say it is a difficult process is a huge understatement, but you’ll want to know the possible responses from your narcissistic mother to be better prepared to successfully go no contact.
If you’re wondering whether you need to go to that extreme, the answer is yes. You might want to give a narcissistic mother your unconditional love, but the truth is she will use it to destroy you emotionally. Your love simply cannot get in because she is so closed off.
Choosing to extract yourself from that traumatic relationship isn’t about getting even, it’s about making a conscious choice to pursue a better life. It’s not easy to make that decision, and it’s even harder to follow through.
How Will She Respond?
To truly break off contact, you’ll want to be prepared for her response when you cut her off. Here are eight ways she might react:
1. Claim It’s All Your Fault
Your narcissistic mother’s first reaction will be to blame you for everything. She will paint you as an unappreciative, selfish child who would be nothing without her enduring love. In her mind, she put you on a pedestal and gave you nothing but love your entire life.
She is the martyr and you’re the one who has destroyed the relationship you both enjoyed until now. You can be assured that nothing you say or do at this point will have any impact on her viewpoint. The best thing you can do is simply walk away.
2. Try to Convince You that You Made a Mistake
The next technique a narcissistic mother will likely employ is attempting to convince you that you’ve made the biggest mistake of your life. After years of emotional abuse, you may be prone to second-guessing yourself, and your dysfunctional mother will definitely try to exploit that weakness. She may use a variety of tactics from charm to intimidation, and she’ll likely claim you’ve been misinterpreting her actions all along.
She may say things like, “You know that deep down I love you and just want the best for you,” “You’re just too sensitive,” or, “You’re overreacting, as usual.” You might notice that while she’s trying to convince you that you shouldn’t cut off contact, all of her reasons are negative statements about you. That’s not real encouragement nor is it an expression of true love for you. It’s another manipulative tactic.
Don’t be fooled, because the truth is that if you ever stand a chance of healing, it will be when you get away from her. Once free from her manipulative tactics, you can build emotional strength and power and can gain self-esteem.
3. She’ll Take You on a Guilt Trip
Guilt is one of the narcissist’s most effective tools. When you’re trying to break free, your mother will employ it to pull you back into her toxic web. She might remind you of all the things she has done for you or how much she sacrificed to give you a good life.
If positive examples of her love don’t do the trick, she’ll turn to complaints about your behavior. These frequently take the form of projection where she’s accusing you of the exact behavior she’s exhibiting.
While her attacks are painful, remember that she is deliberately trying to get you to feel guilty. If you let her goad you into reacting, you’ll be playing right into her hands.
4. She’ll Demand Your Attention Even After You’ve Cut Her Off
There are many ways in which a narcissistic mother might demand your attention even after you’ve cut off all contact. She might, for example, call you in the middle of the night, feign a health crisis, or incessantly text and email you, demanding that you explain yourself.
You might have to take the extreme action of changing your contact information to avoid this behavior. If you don’t, the pleas for attention can go on forever. It will take a serious commitment to stick to your boundary here: if you do, it will be worth it in the end.
5. Promises of Change
If she fails to get your attention with the tactics listed above, she might begin making promises to change her behavior. She may claim she understands why you feel this way and she might seem to be accepting responsibility for her role in the problems, but don’t be fooled.
This is yet another tactic to attempt to control you since it takes years of intense therapy for a narcissist to change their ways, and that’s dependent upon first recognizing there is a problem. That’s something narcissists are loath to do.
6. She Might Go on the Attack
When she sees that all her efforts are failing, it’s not uncommon for the narcissistic mother to launch an all out social media and gossip attack to force everyone you know to choose sides. To the extent she is able, she will likely tell your friends, neighbors, and other social and professional acquaintances.
Of course, she will be giving them her version of the story, which can often put you in a very awkward situation. She won’t hesitate to reveal intimate details of your life.
To counter this, it might help for you to alert your friends of your intentions and let them know they should feel free to react or not as they see fit. But, don’t give in to her smear campaign or you’ll never be able to escape her grasp.
7. She Might Stalk You
Can you imagine being stalked by your own mother? It’s difficult to think about, but if you live close to her, you might find yourself bumping into her at the grocery store or at some social event she knows you’ll be attending.
Be careful what you share on social media since that can give her information about your movements and whereabouts. If you do run into her, don’t engage with her and don’t react when she engages with you.
8. She Might Reveal Her Neediness
If all else fails, she may admit her neediness, and this can be very effective coming from your mother. She might plead with you to fix her car or help with something else that’s difficult for her to do.
Be aware that if you agree to her request for help, the pleas will never end. If you’re committed to cutting off contact, it has to be complete.
Cutting off contact with your mother will undoubtedly be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do in your life. Once free, you can begin the process of regaining your sense of self as well as your self-confidence and self-esteem.
To be successful, you must be prepared for her possible reactions — everything from blame to promises of change and claims of needing you. The situation can get pretty ugly. Check out all the mean things she might say to hurt you.
Remember, however, that she is adept at manipulation and unlikely to change. If you want to be truly free, you’ll have to go no contact and being prepared for her responses can help.
Now that you’ve learned what to expect when you go no contact with a narcissist, you might also want to check out the blog article on “How To Get Out Of A Relationship With A Narcissist.” You’ll learn how to best go no contact.
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